Nothing More Than Feelings

*disclaimer:  things are going to get a little touchy-feeling.  Consider yourself warned.

Why do I find it so hard to talk about my feelings?  For as long as I can remember I have been terrified to show my emotions.  It doesn't matter if these feelings are happy or sad or angry.  I seem to want to present myself as being on a even keel most of the time.  The reality, is that, like everyone else, I have my ups and downs. 

When it comes to sharing negative emotions or negative things in my life I feel like admitting I am scared (or sad, or angry) is the equivalent of saying I am failing at something.  While I am by no means a perfectionist in all areas of my life I have certainly spent a lot of energy working hard to be the best sister, daughter, girlfriend, manager I can be.   

I find it excruciatingly painful and awkward to bare my soul to anyone. In my mind, any admittance of emotion is an admittance of some sort of failure - feeling like a loser (because you are) for not being able to resolve my issues on my own goes against all my perceptions of self preservation.   There are very few people I am able or willing to open up to.   If you don't already know this about me my mother is my best friend.  I love her dearly and the thought of living without her seems impossible.  But, even with the woman who birthed me and raised me I find it hard to share because of this embarrassment.  Luckily for me, after getting to know me for 33 years she is able to read me like a book so I don't always have to say anything to her for her understand what I am feeling.

My mom and step-dad

Another reason I find these types of conversations to be so hard is that I avoid conflict like the plague.  Ever since I was very little, I have done everything I can to avoid confrontation.  When others are angry, even if that anger is not directed at me, I am extremely uncomfortable.  I actually have a really hard time watching reality programs like American Idol because it makes me physically ill to watch some poor person bare his/her musical soul just to be ridiculed by the sometimes cruel judges.  So, when a conflict arises in my personal life I am very quick to shut down.  I will leave the room or avoid the conversation altogether. 

Needless to say, this is not a healthy way to deal with conflict but it's what I have been doing for 33 years.  It's a hard habit to break.  But, now that I am acutely aware of my issue I can take some steps to deal with it.  But, I will admit, it is hard.  It is hard for me to understand how sharing my pain with others will actually make me feel better.  It's hard for me to put myself into a situation that will make me feel so uncomfortable.   It's hard for me to deal with such a grey subject matter as feelings - I like my life to be very black and white and emotions just do not let me do that. 

So,  I am doing what I can, in baby steps, to improve in this area of my life.  I am talking to friends and family about issues I have been having.  Writing in this blog has also been helpful to some degree.  For some reason, writing about how I feel is so much easier, since I am able to edit myself and make sure my message is always clear before pushing that publish button.  But, at least it is a start.

Thanks for listening.

PBG Recipe: Marshmallows (and PBG Redesign)

You may have noticed that I have been making some design changes to the site.  I wanted to "perk" it up a little.  What do you think?

 

This weekend has been pretty good.  I went on a road trip/shopping trip to Ikea with my friend Claudia.  She lives 3 hours away so we don't get to see each other very often.  Although, she is moving an hour and a half closer very soon.  That makes me very happy.  We did lots of chatting and a little bit of shopping.  I purchased a bunch of kitchen gadgets including some loaf pans, cupcake cups, a zester, melon baller, corer, some cookie cutters and a some very tiny bowls I thought I plan to use for recipe prep.  All in all it was a good day.

 
Today I did some major cleaning on the upper level and main floor of the house.  Sweep, mop, wipe.  I also ventured to make home made marshmallows.  It was a success.  Candy can be tricky so I am just glad this wasn't a gooey disaster.  The resulting treats were soft and sweet with just a hint of vanilla.  They would be perfect for s'mores or hot chocolate.

Ingredients
Nonstick cooking spray

1/2 cup cornstarch

1/2 cup confectioner's sugar

1 cup water

3 packages unflavoured gelatin

2 cups granulated sugar

1/2 cup light corn syrup

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

2 egg whites, room temperature

1 vanilla bean

Directions

• Spray the bottom and interior sides of a 9x13-inch metal baking pan with cooking spray. (my 9x13 pan was dirty so I just used two circular cake pans)
• Sift together the cornstarch and confectioner's sugar in a small bowl, then dust an even layer of the mixture over the prepared pans, making sure to coat thoroughly. Set aside. Reserve the rest of the cornstarch and confectioner's sugar.
• In a small bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over 1/2 cup of the water and allow to sit until softened and all the water is absorbed.
• In a medium sized sauce pan combine the 1/2 cup water, granulated sugar, corn syrup and salt.
• Stir using a wooden spoon, over medium low heat, until the sugar has dissolved, around 3-4 minutes. Bring the mixture to the boil over medium heat and cook for around 10-12 minutes. Remove from heat and add the gelatin. Stir until dissolved.
• In the bowl of a stand mixer with the whisk attachment, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form.
• On medium speed, pour a thin, steady stream of the hot sugar syrup down the side of the bowl into the egg whites.
• Slowly increase the speed to high and beat until the batter has nearly tripled in volume and has cooled to room temperature, around 12-15 minutes.
• Split vanilla beans down the middle and scrape out the flavourful seeds.  Add the vanilla to the mixer and beat for about a minute more.
• Pour the marshmallow into the prepared pans, using an oiled spatula to smush into corners and smooth the top.
• Sift over another generous layer of the reserved cornstarch and confectioner's sugar mixture.
• Let stand until set, at room temperature and uncovered, around 3 hours.
• Onto a large board, sift some more of the cornstarch and confectioner's sugar. Run a thin knife around the edge of the marshmallows to release from the pan then invert onto the dusted work surface.
• Use an oiled knife or cutter to divide into your desired shapes. Coat these with a sifting of the last of the cornstarch and confectioner's sugar to keep them separate.
• Store in an airtight container with parchment paper between layers, for up to one week.

Winter by the Water

Happy Friday, everyone!  This week went by so quickly.  I love a 4 day work week.  The weather here in my neck of the woods has been a typical Canadian winter.  Over New Year's the weather warmed up to almost 10C and melted most of the 3 feet of snow that we had and then a few days later the temperature dropped down below freezing again and everything was back to a rock solid block of ice.  Ah...Canadian winters. 

Over the Holidays I took a drive to the small lakeside town of Port Stanley.  It is a beach town about 30 minutes south of London.  While this place is all hustle and bustle in the summer in the winter it is almost deserted. 

Despite the desolate surroundings I think it is just as beautiful in the winter as it is in the summer.  I walked along the beach to check out the huge ice waves.  It's hard to tell in the pictures but these waves of frozen water were at least 10 feet tall. 

Mother Nature is amazing.  It was awe inspiring. 

What are you up to this weekend?  My Friday night was low key.  A visit to the parents for dinner then home to chill.  Tomorrow I am meeting a friend I haven't seen in ages for chatting and shopping at Ikea.  I don't plan to buy anything but who knows what will fall into my cart :)

PBG Photpgraphy: Series 1

One of the items on my vision board and one of my quasi New Year's resolutions was to spend more time on one of my creative hobbies...photography.  Below is a sample of some of my recent attempts at artistic photography. 

Most of the photos below were taken last year in Austin, Texas or Halls Lake, Ontario, Canada.  Let me know what you think?  

PBG Recipe: Coconut Quinoa Bars

As I mentioned earlier I am trying to focus on more healthy recipes now that the Holidays are over and the New Year is upon us.  I also have a tonne of baking supplies left over from my holiday baking - nuts, dried fruit, more nuts, coconut, rolled oats, more nuts.  So, this recipe was partially an effort to create a healthy granola type bar and partially an effort to use up some of my baking supplies. 

These turned out OK.  They were a little crumbly so I think maybe a full cup of the sweetened condensed milk might be make them hold together better.  They taste pretty good however.  Not too sweet and the coconut flavour is not over powering at all. 

Ingredients
1.5 cups cooked quinoa
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup chopped dried apricots
1 cup chopped dates
1 cup chopped hazelnuts
2 cups shredded unsweetened coconut
3/4 cup sweetened condensed milk

Directions
These couldn't be any easier to make.  Just dump it all in a bowl and mix.

• Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
• Mix all ingredients into a large mixing bowl and stir until fully combined.
• Press into a lightly greased 8x8 pan.
• Bake for 25 - 30 minutes until just lightly golden around the edges.
• Cool and cut into 10 bars.
• Can be stored in an airtight container for a few weeks or in the freezer for a few months. 

Nutrition

Calories 360

Total Fat 14g

Total Carbohydrates 53g

Dietary Fiber 6.5g

Sugars 27g

Protein 9g

Resolutions? A year in review?

Everyone in the blogsphere seems to be addressing the issue of Resolutions for 2011.  I flip flop with New Year's Resolutions.  Some years I like to make a few important resolutions other years I just let the year flow as it may.  Last year I committed to losing some weight and managed to lose 15 lbs.

This year it seems I am at a crossroads.  So many changes have already taken place for me in the past 6 months.  I started this blog back in September.  I broke up with my long term boyfriend.  I have made some great new friends and developed existing friendships into what I hope will be lifelong connections.  I drastically changed my diet and am now a flexatarian only eating meat once or twice a week and only when at a restaurant or visiting friends and family.  And most recently, I have become somewhat domestic. I have always enjoyed cooking but I am now trying out baking and more adventurous vegetarian recipes. 

To be honest, there are parts of the past 6 months I would like to forget.  But, there are parts of the past 6 months that have been inspiring and eye opening. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that so much as already happened to me in the recent past that I guess I don't really know what I want to happen this year.

I will be making my fitness more of a priority in the coming weeks.  I will also be focusing on healthier recipes - now that the holidays are over I need to ween myself off the treats and back into a balanced diet.  I would also like to spend more time on this blog.  Creating more varied posts and do my best to keep my readers interested and hopefully grow my readership.  I am also planning to learn more about photography and how to best make use of my new camera.  I love photography and I really want to have pictures on this blog and on my walls that I can be proud to call my own art. 

I am also hoping to do some travelling this year.  I have no idea where, or how.  Alone?  With a friend?  I am  not sure.  But, I am making a point of saving some funds so I can take a real vacation. 

In retrospect, I guess I am not making any resolutions, just trying to make myself into the best version of myself that I can be.  The tricky part is that I am not sure what that version quit looks like yet.  But, stay tuned and join me while I try to figure it out.

PBG Recipe: Cinnamon Blueberry Oatmeal Bread

I decided to start of 2011 with something hearty and healthy to balance out all the treats we have been having over the holidays. 

My original plan was to make raisin bread, but apparently I didn't have any raisins. However, I did have blueberries on hand so I thought that would make a nice change to a classic flavour.   I will admit this was my very first time making real bread and I have to say I am so happy with how it turned out.  Next time I make this bread I think I will add some nuts to the mix for some added texture and protein. 

Ingredients
Makes 1 loaf
3 cups bread or all-purpose unbleached flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup rolled oats

1 1/4 cups warm water

1/2 cup milk

1 1/2 tbsp honey

3 tbsp olive oil

1/2 tsp salt

1 tbsp instant yeast

1 tbsp ground cinnamon

1 cup dried blueberries

Directions

• Soak the oats in the water for 20 minutes.
• Mix the flours, yeast, milk, honey, oil, salt, and cinnamon into the oats. Mix well, until all of the flour is hydrated. Knead by hand for 5 minutes or in a stand mixer for 3, then mix in the blueberries. Knead or mix until the blueberries are distributed throughout the dough.
• Cover the bowl of dough and allow it to rise for 1 hour.
• Remove the dough from the bowl and place the dough on a floured work surface, top side down.
• Flatten the dough slightly and fold the dough in thirds, like a letter.
• Rotate the dough 180 degrees, flatten again slightly and fold in thirds again.
• Flip the dough over, dust off as much of the raw flour as you can, and place it back into the bowl.
• Cover the bowl and allow the dough to rise again for another hour.
• Once risen, shape the loaf and place into a greased bread pan.
• Spray or gently brush the loaf with water and sprinkle with some more oats.
• Cover the pan and set aside to rise until it crests above the edge of the pan, roughly 90 minutes.
• Preheat the oven to 450. Place the pan in the center rack of the oven. After 5 minutes, reduce the oven temperature to 375. Rotate the pan 180 degrees after 20 minutes, and bake for another 15 to 25 minutes, until the top of the bread is nicely browned, the bottom of the loaf makes a hollow sound when tapped.

• Eat with lots of butter.