Grief

It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this post.  A close family friend died unexpectedly in a car accident this week while travelling out of country for work.  I can not even begin to imagine the sadness and sorrow that his family is feeling at this time. 

I am still in shock with the news and find myself unable to really focus on anything else these past few days.  Every day since I heard the news I have been on the verge of tears.  Usually I can hold it in but despite my best efforts have had a few public displays of sadness.  I have only told a few of my friends of this tragedy as I do not want to unload my sadness on everyone.  But, for those that do know they have been so helpful and supportive.  Their sincere and warm hugs when they greet me always bring the tears to my eyes that I have been holding back all day.  This may sound strange but when you are single and alone and you are dealing with a personal tragedy the one thing you miss the most is the contact and affection of a loving partner.  I don’t think my friends realize how important their hugs and kisses really are to me.

The sadness I feel lately is a combination of this particular tragedy along with some other life changing events that have happened in the past few weeks that I have not yet mentioned.  I was also told a few weeks ago that my job was being eliminated and that if I wanted to stay with the Firm I could take on a different role within the department.  I felt like a loser and a failure when I head the news.  I obviously decided to take the position as I do not want to be unemployed at a time when the economy is so flakey. 

But again, during a time when I was down and low my friends came through for me.  My co-workers found out the news and were as shocked as I was.  So many of my co-workers came to me and asked me to stay with the Firm.  They would miss me if I left and though they had no control over the situation they would do what they could to help and support me.  I have felt truly appreciated and wanted in my office these past few weeks during my transition.  And, this life change made me realize that while I may see myself as a failure my friends, family and co-workers clearly see me as an asset.

Lately, I find myself battling grief and sadness all day every day.  And, while I know things will get better and I know things will change, for now, my grief is overwhelming.  So, for those of you that know me, if I do not seem like myself, it’s because I am not.  If I look like I need a hug, I do.  But be prepared because I might not let go!!