Hugs

As you may have read here it is no secret that I like hugs.  Well, as least I didn't think it was a secret, until this week.  I had the funniest conversation this week with a friend over drinks.  I am still giggling 2 days later. Our conversation went a little something like this...

Friend:  So, I read your blog today.

Me:  Oh ya?  You read the whole thing?  Cool!  I am glad someone besides my mother is reading.

Friend:  So, you like hugs?!?

Me:  Yeah, I love hugs.  A good hug is great.  Some people just give the best hugs, ya know?

Friend:  I like hugs too!

Me:  What do you mean you like hugs?  We never hug!

Friend:  I know.  I think we need to talk about the incident.

Me:  Oh my god I know exactly what you are going to say.

Friend:  That time, at the bar.  We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks.  You came in for the hug and it was all weird and awkward.

Me:  I know.  The worst.  I figured you weren't a hugger and I had invaded your personal space so, going forward there were no more hug attempts. 

Friend:  I know.  But, it wasn't that I don't like hugs.  It was just that you snuck up behind me and I had my big bulky winter coat and the chair I was sitting in was all tall and in a weird position...Then we didn't see each other for a few weeks and then the chance to discuss the incident came and went.  And now a year later I read in your blog that you like hugs. 

Me:  And you mean this whole time we could have been hugging it out and we weren't?  All because of a bulky coat and a badly timed hello hug?

Friend:  Yep.

Me:  We should hug more.

Friend:  Yep.

I guess it might not be quite so funny in writing but I promise you it was hysterical at the time.

Have an awesome weekend.  Hugs!

Hugs make me feel sooooooooo goooooood.

My Visions, My Goals

Last week I mentioned that I was going to make myself a vision board to help me focus my energy on achieving my goals.  I have always been good at achieving success but I have never been good with setting specific goals for myself.  So, I decided a vision board would help me focus.  So, what do I want to do with my life in the next five years?

I would like to get fall in love and start a family.  My family is so important to me and my mom is my best friend.  I want to have a child so that I can show that child the love and affection that I received growing up.  And I want a husband to share this love with. 

I want to travel.  I have never really made an effort to save up for a big trip or go on an exotic vacation.  I would love to go to Bali or Belize.  I would love to spend more time in northern Ontario as well.  Muskoka and cottage country are so beautiful.

I want to have a circle of friends that love and support me.  I do not have a lot of girlfriends and I am starting to recognize how important girlfriends are.  I want to have girls nights and dinner parties.  I want to be the hostess with the mostess. 

I also hope I can keep blogging and grow my readership.  I want to reach people who feel the same way I do, who have the same struggles I do.  I really want to make someone feel like they are not the only one struggling with themselves. 

I just started getting into photography in the past couple of years and I love it.  I have a creative side but I just do not have the talent to paint or draw.  Photography on the other hand offers me the ability to be creative and expressive in my own way.  I am hoping to invest in a DSLR so I can start taking my hobby more seriously. 

Needless to say, fitness will continue to be a big part of my life.  I want to stay healthy and strong but I want to do it for my own reasons, the right reasons.  For years I was trying to be a runner because I thought someone else needed me to be one.  But,  that didn't really work out.  I need to accept me (and my body) the way it is and love it no matter what.  If I make fitness a part of my life to keep me balanced and centered I can't go wrong.

These are my goals.  Some of them might be a little lofty but the great thing is that they are mine.  As I start my life over, MY WAY, I am learning to do what I want because it's what is best for me.  No longer will I be trying to achieve other people's goals.  Never again will I define my worth by someone elses opinion of me. 

So, come by and visit me in 5 years and we'll see how I made out on my VISION. 

Three Projects and a Tortilla

Today was a super-duper productive day.  To start out it was a beautiful sunny fall day here in Southwestern Ontario.  The sun was shining and although it was a little on the chilly side it was still lovely.  I spent the day doing some much needed work around the house.  For starters, I headed to Rona to buy some leaf bags so I could rake the leaves in the front lawn and some sandpaper for a small renovation project.  A new bathroom fan and a small space heater were also purchased.  Oh, and I got me some workin' gloves to help with some of my projects.

Project #1:  The Stairs

When we moved into this house 2.5 years ago the stairs were covered in a very hideous blue/green carpet.  I am sure it was super fabulous in 1989 but in 2010 is was dirty, gross and ugly.  So, a couple of months ago when I just couldn't stand it anymore I ripped up all of the old carpet.  Finally, today we are ready prep and paint the stairs.  Yay!  So, my job was to remove any remaining carpet staples and carpet bits and sand all the the stairs to prepare them for priming.  It was tough work and resulted in a LOT of dust EVERYWHERE.  But the prep work is done and the stairs are ready to be primed.

The don't look so great right now, but I promise you by this time tomorrow they are going to look a whole lot better. 

Project #2:  Rake the leaves in the front yard

Let me tell you, we only have one tree in our front yard and I managed to fill 11 bags with leaves.  I couldn't believe how many leaves there were. 

While I was raking something happened that brought a smile to my heavy heart.  The woman who lives across the street - Sarah - saw me raking and raking and raking and she kindly walked across the street with a leaf bag and offered to help me finish raking my leaves.  Sadly, I did not get a chance to take her picture.  But she brought a smile to my face.

Project #3:  Bathroom ceiling fan

I can't take full credit for this project but I was responsible for holding the flashlight.  That is a very important role in any renovation.  Very important.  

After this very productive day it was time for some nutritious dinner.  I decided on a vegetarian fajita.  The filling included red and green peppers, onion and garlic.  I mixed some home made hot sauce (a birthday gift from a friend) along with some chick peas for a protein boost.  A little shredded cheddar cheese and salsa on top - all wrapped up in a spinach tortilla.

Yum!  It was so good.

Tomorrow's agenda includes some additional leave raking, this time in the back yard and also some cleaning up of my gardens so they are ready to go in the spring.  The snow could be here any day now.  I will also be priming the aforementioned staircase so we can hopefully get it painted this week. 

Did you have a productive Saturday?

Do Anything...

It all started a few weeks ago.  Well, in reality it started 4 years ago but I am just coming to that realization now.  A disagreement with my boyfriend over something petty and unimportant turned into a heated discussion which turned into a break-up.  That’s right.  A break-up.  Right there in the middle of our kitchen in the home we bought together we broke up.  I was crushed.

My first instinct was panic.  “We can fix this,” I thought to myself. “We just have to work harder.”  But, a few days and a few conversations later I came to realize that we might not be able to fix it.  Maybe breaking up was the answer for us right now.  This was a hard reality for me to accept.  It literally brought me to my knees heaving and sobbing.  The right answer was not always the easy answer.  I was learning this the hard way.

A few more days passed, we both went on living our separate day-to-day lives – going to work, feeding the dogs.  We knew we had to deal with the house, the money, the dogs, but we were giving each other some time to adjust to our new situation.  I was (and still am) dealing with feelings of anger and abandonment.  He was dealing with his own issues.  We were trying to move forward but I didn’t know what the next step was supposed to be or if I would be able to take it.

I took a lot of time for myself, away from the house we shared.  I visited friends and family, trying to distract myself from the reality that was my broken home life.  I started to tell people.  Close friends already knew something was up – friends are good like that.  My family was heartbroken for me and cried along side me when I told them the news.  I have had people in my life offering support and guidance every step of the way.  Even people I hadn’t considered close friends were offering their heartfelt apologies and shoulders to cry on if needed.  It turns out I have a lot more close friends than I thought and that has been such a big help during this process.

We are taking things one day at a time because, quite frankly, that is all I can handle right now.  We are still in the house together because work needs to be done before we can move out or buy out.  As the healing process begins for me my emotions are a roller coaster of up and downs.  Some days I feel strong and confident and ready to move forward.  Other days I can barely get out of bed and I start my day with tears and heartbreak. I try hard to focus on the good times we had over the last 4 years but the pain of the heartbreak is still too raw and I am often overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. 

I find myself, on a daily basis, contemplating the situation and my role in all of it.  I am not perfect, I know this.  A close look at myself and how I have changed in the past four years has revealed that I don’t love the person that I am anymore.  Knowing that I lost myself in my own self doubt has been the hardest realization of this process.  The fact that I had allowed others to define my self worth and beauty is overwhelming to me.

Beauty is more than just a pretty smile or perfect blond hair.  Beauty is the ability to be confident, love yourself and to be proud of the person you are.  I had always been proud to be the woman who was confident in herself and strong enough to combat the overpowering influence of family, friends, lovers and the media to be what I thought they wanted me to be instead of being the strong independent woman I knew I could be.  But it seems, somewhere along the way I started to lose this battle.

This is no one’s fault but my own.  I allowed myself to be defined by other people’s goals and other people’s standards.  How could I ever expect to be happy if I was trying to live someone else’s dream?  I couldn't.  I have to define my own dreams and work to achieve my own goals if I want to be happy.  It’s funny, isn’t it, how it takes the big moments in our lives change us, to snap us out of ourselves?

If I could fix my broken relationship I would.  The heartache and sadness I feel for the loss of this friendship is deep and it is very real and if I could fix it, I would.  But I can not control other people’s feelings and I can not change the past.  What I can do is move forward with the certainty that this is my opportunity to…do anything.

Well,  if I can do anything, what am I going to do?  I am going to find me.  My goal in the coming weeks and months is to regain my sense of self and to redefine myself based on what I know is true about me.  Everything else will follow.

Goal #1 Create My Vision

Are you good at setting goals?  Are you good at achieving the goals you have set for yourself?  I have read so many times on blogs and in various books about the importance of setting goals for motivation and for creating a vision for your future.  The process of setting goals is meant to help you choose where you want to go in life. By knowing precisely what you want to achieve, you know where you have to concentrate your efforts.

So far, in my life goal setting is something I have not been good at.  That is not to say I haven't made some pretty significant achievements in my life.  But I have never been good at laying out a life plan or strategy.  I have big, lofty goals like getting married and having a family but when it comes to setting quantifiable goals and sticking to a plan to achieve them I flop.  Big time. 

I understand the theory behind goal setting but I guess my real problem lies in the fact that I don't really know what I want.  Sure, I could say I want to train for a 10km race (which I have done successfully in the past) but, I have to be honest, running 10km doesn't really seem like much of an achievement to me.  Sure it is hard, but not really goal-worthy in my mind.  I could commit to writing this blog (which I have) but how to I quantify my success?

So, here is what I am going to do.  I need to kick-start my life with a vision.  I need to plan and visualize what I want to be doing and how I am going to be living in the future.  I never really thought much about my future.  Once I was out of school and working I figured this was my future.  But it seems I got stuck. 

I have seen a lot of info about vision boards and  inspiration boards.  I am a creative and visual person so maybe this will be a good place for me to start.  My goal for this week is to create a vision board - a vision of my life in 5 years.  Who do I want to be?  Where to I want to go?  What do I want to do?

How to you set goals and stay motivated?

Fall Wonderland

It was a beautiful, although chilly, fall day in southwestern Ontario today. 

The leaves are almost gone off most of the trees. Some trees, like the one in my front yard, are holding on thigh to their fall foliage.  It seems that our front tree is always the last on the street to give up its leaves.  It is so beautiful.

I did not have the best week and needed some extra outside time.  Most of this week has been windy and raining.  But today was lovely.  So, when I got home I quickly changed into my mucking around clothes and headed out back to play with the dogs and get some photos of this lovely day.  The dogs ran around like crazy (as usual).  They are so fast I can barely get a picture of them.

Zoom!  Zoom!

Even though the leaves are falling off the trees and are mostly covering the ground these days...

...there is still some life and colour in my garden.  Some flowers and some greenery can still be found if you know where to look.

I can't believe I still have flowers in my garden and it is almost November.  Beautiful.


What are you up to this weekend?  Anything special?  My family is having a little gathering to celebrate a couple of birthdays.  One of which is MINE!  OK, technically, my birthday isn't until Tuesday but since my step-dad's birthday was on Wednesday we decided that a dual celebration this Saturday was in order.  Rest assured there will be cake and gifts all around.  And probably even a few drinks.  The family is good for that kind of thing.

I am also hoping the weather stays nice so I can spend some time outside getting some fresh air before our Canadian winter hits.  It could really happen at any minute.  Well, I am off to do some reading then going to be early.  I know, how lame is it to go to bed early on a Friday night?  I am OK with it.   Have a good night.

PBG Recipe: Clam Chowder

I love soup.  I make a big pot of soup at least once a week.  Even in the summer.  Soup is such an easy way to get lots of flavour and lots of veggies into your diet.  I have to admit, I do love cream soups and good clam chowder is one of my favourites.  |I had never made clam chowder before so I did some google-ing, made some additions to beef up the veggie content and attempted my first clam chowder.  Not too bad if I do say so myself. 

3 tsp butter

1 cup onion, chopped

1 medium garlic clove, minced

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

1 can clams (6-1/2 ounces)

1 cup bottled clam juice

2 cups 35% cream

2 cups chicken stock

2 medium potatoes, diced

2 large carrots, diced

2 stalks celery, diced

salt and pepper to taste

In a heavy-bottomed soup pot, saute onion, garlic in 1 tsp butter over low heat. Do not allow to brown.  Add carrots and celery and saute for another 3-4 minutes. 

Add clam juice and chicken stock and bring to a simmer and add potatoes.  Let simmer for 10 minutes or until potatoes are soft.

In a separate saucepan melt 2 tablespoons of butter.  Slowly stir in the flour to make a roux.  Continue to stir the roux for 1-2 minutes.  Add cream and simmer until thickened.  

Add clams and thickened cream mixture to soup pot and heat to serving temperature. Do not allow to boil, as this toughens the clams.

Add salt and pepper to taste.