Do Anything...

It all started a few weeks ago.  Well, in reality it started 4 years ago but I am just coming to that realization now.  A disagreement with my boyfriend over something petty and unimportant turned into a heated discussion which turned into a break-up.  That’s right.  A break-up.  Right there in the middle of our kitchen in the home we bought together we broke up.  I was crushed.

My first instinct was panic.  “We can fix this,” I thought to myself. “We just have to work harder.”  But, a few days and a few conversations later I came to realize that we might not be able to fix it.  Maybe breaking up was the answer for us right now.  This was a hard reality for me to accept.  It literally brought me to my knees heaving and sobbing.  The right answer was not always the easy answer.  I was learning this the hard way.

A few more days passed, we both went on living our separate day-to-day lives – going to work, feeding the dogs.  We knew we had to deal with the house, the money, the dogs, but we were giving each other some time to adjust to our new situation.  I was (and still am) dealing with feelings of anger and abandonment.  He was dealing with his own issues.  We were trying to move forward but I didn’t know what the next step was supposed to be or if I would be able to take it.

I took a lot of time for myself, away from the house we shared.  I visited friends and family, trying to distract myself from the reality that was my broken home life.  I started to tell people.  Close friends already knew something was up – friends are good like that.  My family was heartbroken for me and cried along side me when I told them the news.  I have had people in my life offering support and guidance every step of the way.  Even people I hadn’t considered close friends were offering their heartfelt apologies and shoulders to cry on if needed.  It turns out I have a lot more close friends than I thought and that has been such a big help during this process.

We are taking things one day at a time because, quite frankly, that is all I can handle right now.  We are still in the house together because work needs to be done before we can move out or buy out.  As the healing process begins for me my emotions are a roller coaster of up and downs.  Some days I feel strong and confident and ready to move forward.  Other days I can barely get out of bed and I start my day with tears and heartbreak. I try hard to focus on the good times we had over the last 4 years but the pain of the heartbreak is still too raw and I am often overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. 

I find myself, on a daily basis, contemplating the situation and my role in all of it.  I am not perfect, I know this.  A close look at myself and how I have changed in the past four years has revealed that I don’t love the person that I am anymore.  Knowing that I lost myself in my own self doubt has been the hardest realization of this process.  The fact that I had allowed others to define my self worth and beauty is overwhelming to me.

Beauty is more than just a pretty smile or perfect blond hair.  Beauty is the ability to be confident, love yourself and to be proud of the person you are.  I had always been proud to be the woman who was confident in herself and strong enough to combat the overpowering influence of family, friends, lovers and the media to be what I thought they wanted me to be instead of being the strong independent woman I knew I could be.  But it seems, somewhere along the way I started to lose this battle.

This is no one’s fault but my own.  I allowed myself to be defined by other people’s goals and other people’s standards.  How could I ever expect to be happy if I was trying to live someone else’s dream?  I couldn't.  I have to define my own dreams and work to achieve my own goals if I want to be happy.  It’s funny, isn’t it, how it takes the big moments in our lives change us, to snap us out of ourselves?

If I could fix my broken relationship I would.  The heartache and sadness I feel for the loss of this friendship is deep and it is very real and if I could fix it, I would.  But I can not control other people’s feelings and I can not change the past.  What I can do is move forward with the certainty that this is my opportunity to…do anything.

Well,  if I can do anything, what am I going to do?  I am going to find me.  My goal in the coming weeks and months is to regain my sense of self and to redefine myself based on what I know is true about me.  Everything else will follow.